Adebayo Akinfenwa

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If someone in Major League Soccer was smart, they would sign Adebayo Akinfenwa instantly. If you don’t know who he is, I don’t blame you. For some time now, he’s been sort of a fun, underground fan favorite of people who watch way too much lower-league English soccer. He’ll turn up every once and again in an FA Cup match somewhere and people will gawk at him, but he’s been playing professionally for nearly 15 years.

It’s not quite clear what his exact body weight is, but don’t get it twisted: My man can move. And he plays striker, which makes everything more amazing. His size is both a plus and a minus from a marketing standpoint. His nickname is “The Beast,” which is a tad pedestrian but we could fix that right up, here stateside. But he’s famous enough to have parody accounts too, obviously.

He’s had interest from MLS teams before, and it’s time to make that happen. This guy is a star waiting to happen. Check out his interview after AFC Wimbledon won the League 2 playoff Monday. He’s the kind of guy that actually says “sidebar” in regular conversation, which means he’s my kind of person. And if soccer doesn’t work out, a WWE career is there for the taking.

Akinfenwa scored a late-game penalty on his way to helping Wimbledon to promotion. But he was released by the club — a fate he was aware of heading into Monday’s game.

I can’t wait to root for this Brit on American soil.