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The Week That Was

Russell Westbrook and Patrick Beverley are still beefing and other news of the week

The Week That Was Nov. 11-14

Monday 11.11.19

New York Knicks president Steve Mills, who couldn’t sell sugar to a diabetic, has reportedly sold team owner James Dolan on the current roster being “highly competitive in the Eastern Conference.” Canadian hockey commentator and former NHL coach Don Cherry, the embodiment of the “Sir, this is a Wendy’s” meme, was fired from his job as a broadcaster at Sportsnet after 38 years for referring to Canadian immigrants as “you people” for not wearing military appreciation pins. The Washington Redskins, whose franchise motto has been “Eh, why not?” for going on two decades now, will start rookie quarterback Dwayne Haskins for the rest of the season because, according to interim head coach Bill Callahan, “we’re at a juncture where we don’t want to be record-wise.” Former NBA center Luc Longley said Phoenix Suns center Aron Baynes is such an imposing player that Baynes has “a bit of Mike Tyson about him,” which would make Milwaukee Bucks forward Giannis Antetokounmpo Buster Douglas.

Tuesday 11.12.19

An NBA team executive, more comfortable crossing People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals than the Communist Party of China, said discussing the league’s ongoing tension with China over Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey’s pro-Hong Kong tweet is “like watching my dog vomit.” Los Angeles Lakers forward LeBron James, sounding like a parent waking up at 6 a.m. on a Saturday for the fourth weekend in a row, said, “AAU coaches don’t give a f—” while denouncing the proliferation of youth basketball leagues and tournaments and the effect they have on teenagers’ bodies. New York Giants running back Saquon Barkley, continuing to play as the ship slowly sinks into the North Atlantic Ocean, said he does not agree with the idea of him sitting out games for the 2-8 team due to a high ankle and injured shoulder. Former Houston Astros pitcher Mike Fiers, who, I kid you not, has won exactly 69 (or, 6ix9ine) games in his career, snitched to The Athletic that the team used a camera in center field of Minute Maid Park to steal signs during the 2017 season. Cleveland Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield, who apparently needs complete silence to accurately underthrow his receivers, said the offense needs fans at home games “to be quiet” before plays.

Wednesday 11.13.19

New York Jets CEO Christopher Johnson, staying together for the sake of the kids, said embattled head coach Adam Gase will return for the 2020 season despite a 2-7 record this year. Hall of Fame linebacker Ray Lewis, forcing every Baltimore-area pharmacy to provide extra security for its stock of deer antler spray, said he told Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti he still had “two quarters in me” to play alongside quarterback Lamar Jackson. Houston Rockets guard Russell Westbrook, projecting more than a middle school teacher, said LA Clippers guard Patrick Beverley “don’t guard nobody, man. It’s just running around, doing nothing.” Free-agent forward Carmelo Anthony, who would get comped at every single Las Vegas hotel with those odds, said he is “2,000 percent” sure he will play in the NBA again this season.

Thursday 11.14.19

Memphis freshman center James Wiseman, essentially saying, “I was just playing, y’all,” dropped his lawsuit against the NCAA and was immediately declared ineligible by the Tigers for accepting a payment from head coach Penny Hardaway. A man whom Santa Clara, California, police will neither confirm nor deny was working under the orders of Steve Young, was arrested after vandalizing the statue of former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Joe Montana outside of Levi’s Stadium on Monday. Giants quarterback Daniel Jones, who has been worth less than bitcoin in recent weeks, filed a trademark for his nickname, “Danny Dimes,” last month.

Liner Notes

Illustrations by Nathan Gelgud.

Martenzie Johnson is a senior writer for Andscape. His favorite cinematic moment is when Django said, "Y'all want to see somethin?"