‘Ballers’ recap: Vernon can’t ‘stay off the damn weed!’ — but for good reason

SEASON 3, EPISODE 2 | ‘BULL RUSH’ | JULY 29

“Hey ladies, y’all want to come in for some milk and cookies after this?”

This is the funniest pickup line in television history, as delivered on Ballers by the one and only Vernon Littlefield (Donovan W. Carter) when he shoots his shot like an elementary school student — we really ain’t mad at him, though — with two models at a photo shoot. “Only if they’re chocolate chip. I don’t f— with oatmeal,” responds one of the models, who’s wearing marijuana leaf pasties.

What appeared last week to be an investment into a weed-themed clothing line is actually an endorsement deal that Reggie (London Brown) landed for Vernon with a cannabis company called High Powered. Marijuana use in the NFL might be as frowned upon as kneeling during the national anthem, although real-life players (as well as Vernon, as we learn) employ the drug as a method of recovering from injuries. Regardless, a call from the furious owner of the Dallas Cowboys (unfortunately not Jerry Jones, who would probably give Vernon a pass) sends Vernon’s adviser Joe Krutel (Rob Corddry) over to his house to convince Reggie that this deal is a bad idea.

The photo shoot, however, still goes on — and man, wait until the pictures of Vernon in a High Powered hoodie are released. They’ll definitely send ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith into a “STAY OFF THE DAMN WEE-DUH!” rant.

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Though he can’t persuade Vernon to make a more strategic endorsement decision, Joe is able to set up a meeting between NFL running back Kisan Teague (Kris D. Lofton), who’s in desperate search of a new agent, and Jason (Troy Garity), who represents Vernon and Ricky Jerrett (John David Washington). The possibility of a new client sends Jason to a neighborhood park, where he’s robbed at gunpoint while waiting for Kisan to show up. Jason then interrupts Kisan at dinner, claiming he set him up, although the running back gives him his word that he wasn’t behind the stickup and knows where to find the men Jason describes. Kisan and his homies leave their Brussels sprouts at the table before pulling up on the dudes like …

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Together, they get Jason’s cash back. And while he temporarily lost $540, and likely saw his life flash before his eyes, Jason gets a new client out of the situation.

Meanwhile, Spencer Strasmore (Dwayne Johnson) is in Las Vegas trying to bring an NFL team to Sin City. While checking in to his hotel, he runs into an ex, Chloe (Graceland’s Serinda Swan), who as a well-connected Las Vegas executive will be a valuable asset on his quest. Who knows, maybe she’ll even become bae again.

While playing golf with the mayor of Las Vegas and meeting with a city councilman, Spencer leaves Ricky behind at the craps table. Looking to get his mind off the fact that he and his girl have a baby on the way, Ricky goes into a hot streak, only to let it all, and more, slip through his fingers while egged on by Hall of Fame wide receiver Cris Carter and rapper Travis $cott to go big or go home. Ricky loses $1 million at the table, meaning the $5 million that Spencer owes him can’t be reimbursed soon enough.

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Caption: Ricky at the craps table

Spencer’s dinner with Councilman Sawyer to discuss funding a new NFL stadium in Vegas with public money turns into a trip to a monster truck show. And for some odd reason, Spencer elects to drive one of the monster trucks, which he flips. Upon safely removing himself from the wreck, he announces to the screaming crowd, “I’m going to bring a professional football team here to the great fans of Las Vegas!”

With all the news surrounding the latest chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) study on NFL players, wouldn’t it be super ironic if Spencer next week found out he had a concussion? That headache-inducing crash is part of the price Spencer is willing to pay to get the NFL in Vegas.